Stuff White People USED to like.

28. LeBron James

2010-08-26T16:42:00.001-04:00

Sorry King James. You had a good run as the average white person's favorite basketball superstar.

Like Kobe Bryant before you, you found that white people love and adoration can be a fleeting thing.

In seven seasons, you took the lowly Cleveland Cavaliers to the verge of an NBA championship. During this time, white people collectively said white things like: "He's so nice. So outgoing. So charitable. Not like those other thugs the league over."

What white people really meant was "He's just as white as us."

Heck, LBJ, you were even kind of nerdy, which is a rarity in the non-white, non-Asian community.

Without LeBron James, it would be highly doubtful if any white people would ever be fans of the National Basketball Association. Outside of Brian Scalabrine's immediate family, that is.

He was sincerely beloved in the whitest of circles.

A one-hour TV "special" to announce his free-agency plans and a change of scenery changed everything.

White people suddenly hated the craven, selfish douchebag. They set fire to his jersey. Derogatory nicknames for James became its own cottage industry.

"How dare he do this!" they cry. "Traitor!" they exclaim.

James' dramatic betrayal of the poor city of Cleveland — on national television — was a stunning feat in self-immolation.

To this day, white people hatred for James burns as hot as the Cuyahoga once did*.

One thing James can take comfort in is "Taking my talents to South Beach" is now a euphemism for another thing white people still love — masturbation.
Congrats, asshat.**

* - obligatory Cuyahoga River catching fire reference
** - what do you expect? I'm white!

27. British Petroleum

2010-06-17T12:27:00.000-04:00

British Petroleum used to embody everything white people were looking for in a gas station — mostly gas, but also an automatic car wash with patented “brushless” technology, cigarettes, 64-oz Slushees®, beef jerky, imagined English accents, and more.

But when white people finally caught wind of what was happening in the gulf with that “oil leak disaster thingy,” they chose to express their “outrage” the only way they knew how — gassing up at the Shell station right across the street. White people would teach those bastards a thing or two about corporate responsibility, they said, calling for a complete, total boycott — unless the Shell’s Minimart was out of a specific kind of cigarette or scratch-off lottery ticket.

As a result of white peoples’ tireless activism, so far, BP’s worldwide profit margin is down .0000000002 percent. That’ll learn them.

26. Systematic Extermination of Indigenous Peoples

2010-05-26T11:06:00.002-04:00

Not so long ago, white people could not get enough of North America.

The newly arrived Europeans loved the place. With its untamed wild forests, expansive plains, and ragged mountain ranges — it was certainly a thing of beauty. A place to be cherised, loved and owned.

So they devised a plan to claim as much land as they could by any means necessary.

Whites called this "Manifest Destiny." Boy, doesn't that sound boring? And white?

But Manifest Destiny sure wasn't boring to the aboriginal peoples who suffered at its ruthless, pallid hands. Viewed as an obstacle to nationwide white expansion, Native Americans were methodically rooted out, destroyed, and corralled to make way for white homesteads — with their picket fences, basketball hoops, and "landscaping."

The weapons by which whites manifested Manifest Destiny were myriad: Rifles, cannons, pistols, swords, body hair, smallpox, measles, the clap, and finally, Olde English 800.

Had Native Americans practiced a religion which emphasized or permitted the private ownership of property, that destiny would have certainly been much less manifest. Their primitive weaponry and uncanny respect for the land were no match for whites with handlebar mustaches and Gatling guns.

Fortunately for modern society, whites have essentially lost their blood thirst and their zeal for violent land-taking, choosing instead to spend obscene amounts of money for organic food they initially grew themselves — thanks to the original guidance of Native Americans.

They now live in cloistered communities, occasionally venturing forth into the wild frontier to entertain themselves at something called a 'casino.'

25. Hobos

2010-02-08T01:11:00.001-05:00

White people used to love hobos. They invited them into their yards. They made them sandwiches for "the road", and hired them to do odd jobs around the house.

Frankly, it's no wonder for those lovable scamps with their knapsacks on a stick brought a delightful departure from the mundane white person existence of yesteryear.

Hobos had their own code, and their own cute, colorful language, replete with crazy terms like Jungle Buzzard, Honey Dipping and Bone Polishing, which may or may not refer to lewd sexual acts. White people were taken with their brazen, carefree, nomadic existence — who wouldn't dream of a life 'riding the rails' when most houses of that era were made out of clapboards and the toilet was a coffee can in the corner?

Hobos were the beloved objects of an entire white-fueled art movement for crying outside!

Now, white people flee at the sight of an unshaven, unkempt scraggly dude that reeks of alcohol — and for good measure — that guy's a total pervert!

24. Crystal Light

2010-02-05T08:45:00.000-05:00

Perhaps it was her floor-length chestnut hair or her angelic voice, but for a period of time, white people couldn't get enough of country singing sensation Crystal Light.

The curiously named Light was born as Brenda Gail Webb on January 9, 1951. She changed her name to Crystal to honor a Southern white person dietary staple, Krystal hamburgers.

Light spun Billboard gold from country/pop crossover hits like "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" and "You and I." which she recorded with fellow curiously-named white person Eddie Rabbit.

From 1977 to 1986, Light ruled the airwaves until fickle white people — arbiters of all things country —eventually found Light's 'act' tiresome and turned to other entertainers like Reba McIntire, LeAnn Rimes, and Martina McBride to fill their white female country artist quotas.

Crystal Light currently lives in Nashville, white people capital of the music industry.

23. Crystal Gayle

2010-02-04T22:19:00.001-05:00

The rabid beverage battles of the 1980s pitted white people's historic affinity for engorging themselves blind versus their incredible vanity and love of chemical additives.

Enter Crystal Gayle — a powdered drink mix that touted a robust taste without all of the pesky calories often associated with taste. And honestly, what do white people know about taste?

To enjoy a tall glass of delicious? five calorie Crystal Gayle, all white people had to do was empty the contents of 1 packet into a large plastic or glass pitcher, add 2 quarts (8 cups) of cold water, stir to dissolve, and finally serve over ice.

White people believed in Crystal Gayle because they believed in their white selves. Leni Riefenstahl herself couldn't have possibly directed a better artifact of white propaganda than the following commercial:

You would never catch non-white people engaging in such conceited frivolity.

Crystal Gayle is still available in most white-populated areas in a variety of "flavors."

22. Swatches

2010-02-03T21:19:00.002-05:00

Was it a watch or a piece of art? Or a fashion statement? When it comes to white people and their timepieces, who knows, and frankly who cares.

Designed by the whitest of the Swiss, Swatch watches enjoyed an explosion of popularity in the mid-1980s.

Ironically, Swatches were originally popular in the burgeoning hip-hop community of the early 80s. But like everything else original and distinctive, their fashionable appearance was hijacked by whites eager to to slap anything Keith Haring on their wrists just to show they were somehow cool.

Made from toxic plastic and nuclear waste, the name "Swatch" was derived from 'second watch' — which offered up the possibility that the timepieces could be disposable. Is anything in the white world not disposable?

Several of the watches were designed by white celebrities like Ringo Starr, Selma Diamond, and Dyan Cannon. You know Dyan Cannon, timepiece impresario.

Swatch watches are still available in the same hideous 'designs' that complemented your skinny leather tie and parachute pants, wasteoid.

21. Sunken Living Rooms

2008-10-16T10:02:00.001-04:00

Not complacent with their normal two-story homes or sprawling ranch-style suburban domiciles, white people decided that certain rooms in their house deserved near-imperceptible changes in altitude, and thus was born the architectural atrocity known as The Sunken Living Room.

In medical circles, this room was often referred to as "The Motherfucking Ankle-Twisting Room"

Often, one or two steps separated the sunken living room from other rooms, a futile attempt at lending the home much-needed character.

Sunken Living Rooms fell out of favor soon after whites discovered the much more attractive head-cracking pleasures of sunken tubs.

20. Corey Haim and/or Feldman

2008-06-24T07:54:00.002-04:00

If you were a teen-aged male Hollywood actor in 1987, chances are your name was Corey. And chances are, you were a total douchebag.

But as white people have historically shown, they can't get enough of douchebag versions of themselves. (See Stuff White People Used to Like #9.)

The dynamic duo of doucheyness first appeared together in the 1987 Too-cool-vampires-in-Orange County smash The Lost Boys alongside other white people like Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric. The two were then given their opportunity to shine in 1988's teen comedy License to Drive with a young white girl named Heather Graham. Separately, Feldman often appeared live with a young white girl named Michael Jackson.

The duo quickly lost their luster, and in rote Hollywood fashion fell victim to alcoholism and drug use. White people collectively yawned, then quickly abandoned The Two Coreys as they grew from cute teen boys into hideous, pasty no-talent white adults.

Nearly 14 years after their disappearance, they now appear in A&E's originally titled "The Two Coreys", a reality show based on their exploits as pasty no-talent white adults with "issues."

19. The Keytar

2008-05-19T16:10:00.004-04:00

Is it a keyboard? A guitar? Well, unless scientists run completely out of more important things to prove, we'll sadly never know.

But our collective ignorance is bliss. White people bliss, baby!

White people used to love the Keytar. A simple musical device, it allowed those whites who endured a childhood full of painful piano lessons to take the stage and pretend they were as cool as the guy who learned to play the guitar. But no one is as cool as the guy who plays guitar. Sure, there are plenty of whites who still play the guitar, but nearly none who actively pursue a career in keytaring. Why? Perhaps because the keytar player even comes in a few notches below the bass player in the rock band pantheon of coolness. That's right, even Michael Anthony is cooler than you, keytar player.

These misguided whites would have been better off sticking to the piano, which can be marginally cool for otherwise-uncool white people (see Joel, Billy)

18. Thoroughbred Horse Racing

2008-05-07T10:06:00.005-04:00

Big hats. Mint Juleps. Giant horse cocks and wagering. White people really knew how to have fun!

That all changed last Saturday at the Kentucky Derby when the Philly Eight Belles broke both her ankles running the race and had to be euthanized right out there on the track.

White people I know were furious.

“Why do we continue to subject these poor creatures to this cruel and unusual punishment!” they shouted.

“Running of any kind should be banned!” they explained from their semi-reclined positions, while rubbing their bellies, waving remote controls and asking similarly positioned friends to please, "pass the chips."

As far as white people were concerned, as soon as those large white (of course) trucks surrounded Eight Belles on the infield, thoroughbred horse racing was put out of its centuries-old misery as well.

Until the first Saturday in May 2009, that is. Then it’s game on, bitches, and down the stretch they come!

17. Minibikes

2008-04-25T10:40:00.001-04:00

Not content with regular-sized motorcycles or mere bicycles, white persons and their offspring joined in the minibike craze that started in the late 1960s.

Minbikes were first popularly used as "pit bikes", for drag racers to scoot around in the pits during races in the late 1950s. They were very useful for this purpose, as they could maneuver very well in the tight pit roads, fit in about the same space as a small bicycle in a trailer or pickup, and they were faster than most previous forms of transportation.

So desperate to endanger the lives of their children, white people crafted homemade minibikes out of PVC tubing, two by fours and any Briggs and Stratton engine they could get their white, white hands on.

Soon, manufacturers of other white people time-waster/death machines like the snowmobile and dune buggy joined the minibike fray, and the revolution was on — until they realized what a potential liability they had on their hands. Over 34,000 kids under the age of 14 perished on minibikes in 1977 alone.*

Minibikes are no longer the go-to toy for households looking to endanger their loved ones. ATVs have replaced the minibike as the population-control mechanism of choice for rural whites.

However, a small part of the white populace still enjoy riding around haphazardly on what are now termed 'pocket bikes' or mini-motos.

* - made up statistic to give post more content.

16. Having more time

2008-04-21T15:27:00.002-04:00

White people used to like having more time to devote to their sundry interests. Now there's no time for any of that. No awesome blog entries. No golf. No masturbating. Nothing. There’s just no time.

It’s their own damn fault, knocking-up other white people just to keep the numbers in their favor. Now, white people have to go out there and get a job to support their family. And that job can really get in the way sometimes.

Frankly, it pisses some white people off ...

15. The Station Wagon

2008-04-18T13:14:00.004-04:00

It’s hard to imagine the white family of yesteryear pouring out of anything but a station wagon with full wood-grain siding, or getting your first hand-job on a trip to New Hampshire anyplace but in the aft, rear-facing seat of your girlfriend’s father’s station wagon.

Ah, the memories. And isn’t that what the station wagon was for? Wasn’t it just an oblong, four wheeled, wood-paneled time capsule for storing precious childhood memories like the annual trip to the shore, hauling that dead body wrapped in tarpaulin or your first solo drive to the corner store?

You bet your 1978 Plymouth Volare it was.

Alas, long about 1984, the spacious Renault Espace Minivan made its world debut. Station wagons were no match for its awesome styling and sheer people-moving capabilities. Its interior-room alone was enough to cripple the entire station wagon industry.

Today, only one station wagon remains—the ultra-snobberific white person-special known as the Volvo XC70.

14. The Dickey

2008-04-17T09:45:00.001-04:00

Who once wore part of a shirt? White people, that's who.

For rather murky reasons, white people were unable to bring themselves to wear a complete turtleneck under their sweaters, and thus was born ... the Dickey.

The Dickey (or Dicky, for short) is an article of clothing made to look like the front or collar of a shirt, blouse, vest, etc., worn as a separate piece under another garment, as a jacket or dress.

The Dickey is yet another example of why white people cannot be trusted with fashion.

The following is from a website that currently still sells Dickeys in the awkward hope that white people are still living in the past (Which many are ... all you need to do is visit Youngstown, Ohio to verify this fact.)

"No matter how you spell it, dickeys are practical and comfortable in the summer and winter. They keep a cold draft from blowing down your neck, and they keep that itchy sweater away from your face. If you suddenly find yourself too warm, they are easy to remove. Use them to accent your skin tones."

Now, only a white person could possibly write such utter nonsense. And only white people can even appreciate what those words in that particular order mean. You show this to an Asian person, and prepare to be punched in the throat, my friend.

Accent my skin tones? We're white people for Christmas sakes, we have no skin tones!

The Dickey, for better or worse, has been immortalized by Randy Quaid in the white-person film extravaganza Christmas Vacation, which maintains the curious distinction of featuring the most white people in one scene for longer than four-and-a-half minutes. Go ahead and Google that while you contemplate the abomination that was once the Dickey.
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13. Long Beards

2008-04-16T09:47:00.007-04:00

White men used to love elongated facial hair.

Historically, long beards were worn to differentiate men from the hideous white women they were forced to mate with. Without beards, it would have been nearly impossible to tell men from women, and the resulting sexual ambiguities would have destroyed Anglo-Saxon society as we knew it.

The beard was also a signifier of one's manhood. And if anyone in history needed assistance in re-affirming their 'man-ness', it was the pathetic white male. Sadly, Manifest Destiny alone was not enough.

Beards really came into vogue in White America in the mid 1860s, and lasted until the departure of Benjamin Harrison from the White House. It seems a photograph or daguerreotype from the era wasn't complete without some dude in a long, scruffy beard, trying to look badass while his homely wife scowled next to him.

It didn't matter if you were a doctor, lawyer, politician or pimp ... if you were a white male during these times, you had a long beard — and head lice.

In the 1960s. Hippies tried to re-popularize the long, unkempt, woolly beard. But like everything else Hippies attempt to do, their efforts had the complete opposite effect. The beards (and the Hippies) were largely rejected by white society. When Richard Nixon famously referred to 'the silent majority', he was actually referring to the 'silent, uptight, clean-shaven majority.'

Sadly, outside of ZZTop and the Iron & Wine guy, long beards are not really in fashion for white people today. Why? Presumably the same reason why white men now regularly keep their pubic hair neatly manicured and drink Iced Lattes.

12. Vigilantism

2008-04-15T09:43:00.002-04:00

Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk.

You'd be hardpressed to find a backyard in America that doesn't have the decaying remains of someone who's wronged a white person rolled up inside an old rug, or cut to pieces inside a rusty drum buried somewhere on their property.

What were they supposed to do? Let the courts handle it? Pshaw.

The father of Vigilantism is the actor, Charles Bronson. In the Deathwish Pentology he proved you can't go around raping someone's family and get away with it. You can't sell someone tainted smack or shit on someone's lawn, either. Sometimes, you need to exact your own form of justice, even if you are just an architect.

Do you believe in Jesus? Good. Because you're going to meet Him. BANG!

In 1984, some "people" approached Bernard Goetz (pictured) on the subway. Instead of forking over whatever the thugs demanded. Probably directions to Grand Central Station or something. He shot all four and then fled the scene. White people loved him for it. Still, the state of New York just had to press charges. Criminal Possession of a Weapon in the Third Degree, six months in jail, one year psychiatric treatment, five years' probation, 200 hours community service, and a fine of $5,000. They all survived. I don't know what the big deal was!

Anyway, some white people will be happy to know Vigilantism is making a comeback, as the success of television shows like Dexter prove far "beyond a reasonable doubt." So watch out, bitches.

No, I don't have the time. BANG! No, you can't date my daughter. Ever. BANG! Can you tell me--BANG! Whoops. Sorry.

11. Oleo

2008-04-14T09:47:00.003-04:00

White people used to like Oleo, for sure, but half of those who liked it didn't really know what the hell it was. Many still don't ... this white person included.

Was it margarine? Was it some other kind of butter substitute? Was it a spreadable Italian oil? Who cared? You could put it on stuff and then eat it.

At first, white people were like, "Mmmm ... Oleo, it's so darned delicious ... I think." But then other white people were like, "What the hell is it made out of? I can't taste anything? Is is butter or is it liquid plastic or something?"

Eventually, scientists stepped in to have the various forms of what was called Oleo analyzed. Trans fatty acids. Hydrogenated oils. Blah blah blah. Etcetera etcetera. Bottom line is they found Oleo could kill people--white people included--and so Oleo quickly fell out of favor.

Side note: Oleo is often confused with Olean, which is a kind of miracle compound that produces oily discharges.

10. Macramé

2008-04-11T09:28:00.001-04:00

What is it with white people and arts and crafts?

Macramé or macrame is a form of textile-making using knotting rather than weaving or knitting. Its primary knots are the square knot and forms of hitching (full hitch and double half hitches). It's origins date back to 13th-century Arab weavers who knotted the excess thread on their looms into decorative fringes and patterns.

Of course, it would take whites of the 1970s to prostitute the ethnic tradition, transforming it from a middle-Eastern art form into a coma-inducing timewaster for desperate housewives too afraid to indulge in swinging or pill-popping to enliven their joyless existences.

Whites, always keen on misappropriating the art of others, even passed macramé on to their children.

I should know, for I made a macramé owl for my mother in the 4th grade ... and I had to stay after school to do it. The hideous creation hung in our kitchen for several years and hopefully now decorates the 14th layer of the local landfill.

There's a good reason there's no African-American Martha Stewart. That shit is a waste of time.

9. Andrew Dice Clay

2008-04-10T09:44:00.003-04:00

I’m ashamed by some of the things white people used to like. Slavery. Those retarded Buttafuoco parachute pants douchebags would wear at the gym. Andrew Dice Clay. Almost makes me want to renounce my whitezenship.

Almost. I'm no fool.

I am having trouble coming up with reasons why we liked the “Dice man,” however. Was it his profane and shocking nursery rhyme-altering style? The way he lit those awesome cigarettes? His less-than-timely Travolta imitation? The fact that he had his tongue up that chick’s ass?

It’s all a complete mystery ... and yet, 13 film credits. Ponder that for a while, you, still tapping away at that screenplay.

Oh, wait. I get it know. It was right there in front of my face the whole time. It’s the half Elvis, half Jew-thing. Put that in a leather jacket and BANG--charming and irresistible! Makes perfect sense now ... Little Boy Blue; he needed the money. Of course.

8. Powdered Wigs

2008-04-09T09:47:00.008-04:00

Other than Biz Markie, have you ever seen anyone other than a white person in a powdered wig?

White people used to love them their powdered wigs. Why? Who knows. I don't have time nor the grant money to undertake that kind of research.

7. General Foods International Coffees

2008-04-08T09:46:00.002-04:00

Mmmm ... Nothing used to say, "Good morning, white people!" like a steaming cup of sugar-free, naturally-decaffeinated General Foods International coffee.

Aaah ... As a white person who used to like it, I can almost smell its slightly burnt aroma, feel its still powdery no matter how many times you stir it-consistency, and taste its cancer-causing saccharin after-taste ...

White people are just as giddy about their flavored coffees today, but now they want to add triple shots of espresso to keep them going on their busy day-to-day hunt for more and more posessions. White people will also pay up to $5 for a single cup of delicious flavored coffee from places like Starbucks and Dunkin-Donuts. We never said white people were smart. Cosby sweaters? Come on.

General Foods International Coffees were just vague enough to work back when the only choices were Maxwell House and Sanka. Today, being white requires more choices and more flavors.

The General Foods company itself became a litle less vague and more international after being purchased by the Phillip Morris Corporation, makers of another white person staple, delicious cigarettes. Phillip Morris also gobbled up Kraft Foods. Now everything's all fucked up as far as general "food" is concerned, and that's just the way white people like it.

6. Swizzlesticks

2008-04-07T09:33:00.002-04:00

In the time when white men were white men, and business executives drank their lunches, the swizzlestick served as a friendly companion to whites who preferred their alcoholism served in a brandy snifter or highball glass rather than in the less-dignified paper bag or beer can.

Swizzle sticks are small sticks placed in cocktails to hold fruit, or merely stir the drink. Commonly made of plastic, the origin of the name is uncertain but rum drinks made with sugar and citrus juices have been called swizzles since at least the 19th century.

There's nothing like commemorating a lost weekend at a sales convention with a skinny shaft of plastic, topped with a corporate logo. Real white men of the era were keen to brag about their drunken experiences on the road of business, and produced many a collected swizzlestick as evidence of their carousing and drinking prowess.

Due to the unfortunate drying out of the American office, the swizzlesstick has seen a marked decline in both admiration and collectability in recent years.

5. Steamer Trunks

2008-04-06T09:37:00.001-04:00

Perhaps more a sign of wealth and class than a racial preference, steamer trunks were once all the vogue in white tourism.

Historical proof, however, is undeniable as steamer trunks became white people's luggage of choice at the end of the 19th century and well into the 20th century. Replacing burlap sacks and less dignified means of travel storage, steamer trunks serve as a helpful reminder of Caucasian arrogance of the era.

Weary white travelers of the steamer trunk generation often thought "what if wherever I travel to they do not have all of the Caucasian amenities and clothing options I currently enjoy at home?" This nagging question produced the need for enormous luggage, in which, white tourists could take practically everything they owned with them, as to avoid a potentially humiliating situation wherein white travelers would have to utilize a 'non-white' accoutrement.

Little empathy was reserved for the scores of nonwhites who would have to lug that heavy shit around from port to port.

4. Oversized Wall Utensils

2008-04-05T11:34:00.004-04:00

White people often share the same nightmare ... a nightmare in which a hungry giant enters their home and, instead of eating the white people, prefers to dine with them. However, when they fail to have utensils large enough for a giant to use, the giant turns on them, and slaughters them wholesale.

A lot of white people in the 1970s were deathly afraid that particular nightmare would come to fruition, and took steps to remedy their giant-sized utensil shortage by having Amish craftsmen fashion enormous forks and spoons out of wood, which they conveniently hung on their kitchen walls — within reach — should a giant appear at the end of their driveway.

Of course, that story above is complete and utter bullshit. White people really aren't that gullible. Or are they? Some ingenious entrepreneur realized that white people enjoy decorating their homes in the most abominable fashion, and as a result, was able to con a lot of white people (even my parents) into adorning their walls with these gargantuan atrocities. Kudos to you, Mastermind, for you made white people look foolish once again. No small task indeed.

Besides their incredible aesthetic value, the utensils served other, more practical needs in a pinch. Looking to bail some random hay? How about cleaning out the pool or shoveling some snow? White families of the seventies had to look no further than their own kitchen walls for a solution.

2008-04-04T10:35:00.007-04:00

Be sure to visit another of our sites — Re-Stocked. We've taken the worst possible stock photography we can get our hands on and, as a courtesy to you, made it more funny. Or less funny. The only way to find out is to click the pic above.

3. Cosby Sweaters

2008-04-04T09:44:00.002-04:00

You can always count on white people for their impeccable fashion sense.

Made popular by comedian Bill Cosby on his successful 1980s sitcom, The Cosby Show, the hideously-patterned sweaters were co-opted by whites who found Cosby to be an acceptable authority figure in spite of his skin color.

White people flocked to Merry Go Round and Chess King at their local malls in droves to buy up the über-colorful fashion statements and wear them in the most inappropriate places, most notably school fundraisers, church, at the office on casual days, and to eateries like T.G.I. Friday's and Shoney's.

Either out of guilt over Stuff People Used to Like #2, or out of sheer fashion ignorance, white people donned the obnoxious pullovers like they were going out of style, which in fact, is what they did not long after The Cosby Show's demise.

Perhaps white people saw the multitude of colors as a way to enhance their otherwise naturally bland and pasty palette, or as a alternative to interesting conversation, something white people have historically failed to master.

Now rare, Cosby sweaters can still be found in the wardrobes of desperate white people, like the lesbian basketball player pictured in the accompanying photo.

2. Slavery

2008-04-03T09:44:00.000-04:00

If you were white, you’d have liked slavery too. Bring me that. Cook me this. Take care of the crops. Raise my kids. Oh, and come over here, Ms. Hemmings, so I can rape you without consequence.

What’s not to like?

It’s a good thing for white people black people finally said enough of this slavery shit, or it might still be in vogue! White people aren’t too fond of having to be the first to decide what’s right … unless it involves raising other peoples’ kids.

I digress.

In addition to liking the concept of slavery, white people liked coming up with new names to call the enslaved. “Negroes” and “Coloreds” were replaced by terms more colorful, terms we dare not repeat, because if there’s another thing in a long list of things white people don’t like anymore, it’s offending other people or discriminating against them based on their color, sex or religious creed. Guilty!

So, yeah, anyway, like I said, white people used to like slavery. Hopefully, too, someday, white people will used to like apologizing or making reparations for it. It’s been more than a couple hundred years. Time to move on.

1. Potpourri

2008-04-02T09:43:00.000-04:00

Long before scented oils and candles became the rage, white people fought home odor with dried leaves, twigs and other overly-perfumed detrius, often times housed in small decorative bowls or tiny, sheer fabric bags. Nothing said "we're white and we like to smell good" in the late 1980s to mid 1990s quite like Potpourri.

The word potpourri comes from the French word "pot-pourri," which was the French name for a Spanish stew with a wide variety of ingredients called olla podrida. In English, "potpourri" is often used to refer to any collection of miscellaneous or diverse items.

Now, thanks to the advent of scented oils and a diverse offering of perfumed candles, white people have moved on from potpourri as their olfactory paradigm, leaving my father — who once built the world's largest potpourri empire — destitute and partially insane.