Thursday, August 26, 2010

28. LeBron James

Sorry King James. You had a good run as the average white person's favorite basketball superstar.

Like Kobe Bryant before you, you found that white people love and adoration can be a fleeting thing.

In seven seasons, you took the lowly Cleveland Cavaliers to the verge of an NBA championship. During this time, white people collectively said white things like: "He's so nice. So outgoing. So charitable. Not like those other thugs the league over."

What white people really meant was "He's just as white as us."

Heck, LBJ, you were even kind of nerdy, which is a rarity in the non-white, non-Asian community.

Without LeBron James, it would be highly doubtful if any white people would ever be fans of the National Basketball Association. Outside of Brian Scalabrine's immediate family, that is.

He was sincerely beloved in the whitest of circles. 

A one-hour TV "special" to announce his free-agency plans and a change of scenery changed everything.

White people suddenly hated the craven, selfish douchebag. They set fire to his jersey.  Derogatory nicknames for James became its own cottage industry.

"How dare he do this!" they cry. "Traitor!" they exclaim.

James' dramatic betrayal of the poor city of Cleveland — on national television — was a stunning feat in self-immolation.

To this day, white people hatred for James burns as hot as the Cuyahoga once did*.

One thing James can take comfort in is "Taking my talents to South Beach" is now a euphemism for another thing white people still love — masturbation.
Congrats, asshat.**

* - obligatory Cuyahoga River catching fire reference
 ** - what do you expect? I'm white!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

27. British Petroleum

British Petroleum used to embody everything white people were looking for in a gas station — mostly gas, but also an automatic car wash with patented “brushless” technology, cigarettes, 64-oz Slushees®, beef jerky, imagined English accents, and more.

But when white people finally caught wind of what was happening in the gulf with that “oil leak disaster thingy,” they chose to express their “outrage” the only way they knew how — gassing up at the Shell station right across the street. White people would teach those bastards a thing or two about corporate responsibility, they said, calling for a complete, total boycott — unless the Shell’s Minimart was out of a specific kind of cigarette or scratch-off lottery ticket.

As a result of white peoples’ tireless activism, so far, BP’s worldwide profit margin is down .0000000002 percent. That’ll learn them.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

26. Systematic Extermination of Indigenous Peoples

Not so long ago, white people could not get enough of North America.

The newly arrived Europeans loved the place. With its untamed wild forests, expansive plains, and ragged mountain ranges — it was certainly a thing of beauty.  A place to be cherised, loved and owned.

So they devised a plan to claim as much land as they could by any means necessary. 

Whites called this "Manifest Destiny."  Boy, doesn't that sound boring? And white?

But Manifest Destiny sure wasn't boring to the aboriginal peoples who suffered at its ruthless, pallid hands.  Viewed as an obstacle to nationwide white expansion, Native Americans were methodically rooted out, destroyed, and corralled to make way for white homesteads — with their picket fences, basketball hoops, and "landscaping."

The weapons by which whites manifested Manifest Destiny were myriad: Rifles, cannons, pistols, swords, body hair, smallpox, measles, the clap, and finally, Olde English 800.

Had Native Americans practiced a religion which emphasized or permitted the private ownership of property, that destiny would have certainly been much less manifest.  Their primitive weaponry and uncanny respect for the land were no match for whites with handlebar mustaches and Gatling guns.

Fortunately for modern society, whites have essentially lost their blood thirst and their zeal for violent land-taking, choosing instead to spend obscene amounts of money for organic food they initially grew themselves — thanks to the original guidance of Native Americans.

They now live in cloistered communities, occasionally venturing forth into the wild frontier to entertain themselves at something called a 'casino.'

Monday, February 8, 2010

25. Hobos

White people used to love hobos. They invited them into their yards. They made them sandwiches for "the road", and hired them to do odd jobs around the house.

Frankly, it's no wonder for those lovable scamps with their knapsacks on a stick brought a delightful departure from the mundane white person existence of yesteryear.

Hobos had their own code, and their own cute, colorful language, replete with crazy terms like Jungle Buzzard, Honey Dipping and Bone Polishing, which may or may not refer to lewd sexual acts.  White people were taken with their brazen, carefree, nomadic existence — who wouldn't dream of a life 'riding the rails' when most houses of that era were made out of clapboards and the toilet was a coffee can in the corner?

Hobos were the beloved objects of an entire white-fueled art movement for crying outside!

Now, white people flee at the sight of an unshaven, unkempt scraggly dude that reeks of alcohol — and for good measure — that guy's a total pervert!

Friday, February 5, 2010

24. Crystal Light

Perhaps it was her floor-length chestnut hair or her angelic voice, but for a period of time, white people couldn't get enough of country singing sensation Crystal Light.

The curiously named Light was born as Brenda Gail Webb on January 9, 1951.  She changed her name to Crystal to honor a Southern white person dietary staple, Krystal hamburgers.

Light spun Billboard gold from country/pop crossover hits like "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" and "You and I." which she recorded with fellow curiously-named white person Eddie Rabbit.

From 1977 to 1986, Light ruled the airwaves until fickle white people — arbiters of all things country —eventually found Light's 'act' tiresome and turned to other entertainers like Reba McIntire, LeAnn Rimes, and Martina McBride to fill their white female country artist quotas. 

Crystal Light currently lives in Nashville, white people capital of the music industry.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

23. Crystal Gayle

The rabid beverage battles of the 1980s pitted white people's historic affinity for engorging themselves blind versus their incredible vanity and love of chemical additives.

Enter Crystal Gayle — a powdered drink mix that touted a robust taste without all of the pesky calories often associated with taste. And honestly, what do white people know about taste?

To enjoy a tall glass of delicious? five calorie Crystal Gayle, all white people had to do was empty the contents of 1 packet into a large plastic or glass pitcher, add 2 quarts (8 cups) of cold water, stir to dissolve, and finally serve over ice.

White people believed in Crystal Gayle because they believed in their white selves.  Leni Riefenstahl herself couldn't have possibly directed a better artifact of white propaganda than the following commercial:

You would never catch non-white people engaging in such conceited frivolity.

Crystal Gayle is still available in most white-populated areas in a variety of "flavors."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

22. Swatches

Was it a watch or a piece of art? Or a fashion statement? When it comes to white people and their timepieces, who knows, and frankly who cares.

Designed by the whitest of the Swiss, Swatch watches enjoyed an explosion of popularity in the mid-1980s.

Ironically, Swatches were originally popular in the burgeoning hip-hop community of the early 80s. But like everything else original and distinctive, their fashionable appearance was hijacked by whites eager to to slap anything Keith Haring on their wrists just to show they were somehow cool. 

Made from toxic plastic and nuclear waste, the name "Swatch" was derived from 'second watch' — which offered up the possibility that the timepieces could be disposable. Is anything in the white world not disposable?

Several of the watches were designed by white celebrities like Ringo Starr, Selma Diamond, and Dyan Cannon. You know Dyan Cannon, timepiece impresario. 

Swatch watches are still available in the same hideous 'designs' that complemented your skinny leather tie and parachute pants, wasteoid.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

21. Sunken Living Rooms

Not complacent with their normal two-story homes or sprawling ranch-style suburban domiciles, white people decided that certain rooms in their house deserved near-imperceptible changes in altitude, and thus was born the architectural atrocity known as The Sunken Living Room.

In medical circles, this room was often referred to as "The Motherfucking Ankle-Twisting Room"

Often, one or two steps separated the sunken living room from other rooms, a futile attempt at lending the home much-needed character.

Sunken Living Rooms fell out of favor soon after whites discovered the much more attractive head-cracking pleasures of sunken tubs.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

20. Corey Haim and/or Feldman

If you were a teen-aged male Hollywood actor in 1987, chances are your name was Corey. And chances are, you were a total douchebag.

But as white people have historically shown, they can't get enough of douchebag versions of themselves. (See Stuff White People Used to Like #9.)

The dynamic duo of doucheyness first appeared together in the 1987 Too-cool-vampires-in-Orange County smash The Lost Boys alongside other white people like Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric. The two were then given their opportunity to shine in 1988's teen comedy License to Drive with a young white girl named Heather Graham. Separately, Feldman often appeared live with a young white girl named Michael Jackson.

The duo quickly lost their luster, and in rote Hollywood fashion fell victim to alcoholism and drug use. White people collectively yawned, then quickly abandoned The Two Coreys as they grew from cute teen boys into hideous, pasty no-talent white adults.

Nearly 14 years after their disappearance, they now appear in A&E's originally titled "The Two Coreys", a reality show based on their exploits as pasty no-talent white adults with "issues."

Monday, May 19, 2008

19. The Keytar

Is it a keyboard? A guitar? Well, unless scientists run completely out of more important things to prove, we'll sadly never know.

But our collective ignorance is bliss. White people bliss, baby!

White people used to love the Keytar. A simple musical device, it allowed those whites who endured a childhood full of painful piano lessons to take the stage and pretend they were as cool as the guy who learned to play the guitar. But no one is as cool as the guy who plays guitar. Sure, there are plenty of whites who still play the guitar, but nearly none who actively pursue a career in keytaring. Why? Perhaps because the keytar player even comes in a few notches below the bass player in the rock band pantheon of coolness. That's right, even Michael Anthony is cooler than you, keytar player.

These misguided whites would have been better off sticking to the piano, which can be marginally cool for otherwise-uncool white people (see Joel, Billy)