Tuesday, April 8, 2008

7. General Foods International Coffees

Mmmm ... Nothing used to say, "Good morning, white people!" like a steaming cup of sugar-free, naturally-decaffeinated General Foods International coffee.

Aaah ... As a white person who used to like it, I can almost smell its slightly burnt aroma, feel its still powdery no matter how many times you stir it-consistency, and taste its cancer-causing saccharin after-taste ...

White people are just as giddy about their flavored coffees today, but now they want to add triple shots of espresso to keep them going on their busy day-to-day hunt for more and more posessions. White people will also pay up to $5 for a single cup of delicious flavored coffee from places like Starbucks and Dunkin-Donuts. We never said white people were smart. Cosby sweaters? Come on.

General Foods International Coffees were just vague enough to work back when the only choices were Maxwell House and Sanka. Today, being white requires more choices and more flavors.

The General Foods company itself became a litle less vague and more international after being purchased by the Phillip Morris Corporation, makers of another white person staple, delicious cigarettes. Phillip Morris also gobbled up Kraft Foods. Now everything's all fucked up as far as general "food" is concerned, and that's just the way white people like it.

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