Thursday, February 4, 2010

23. Crystal Gayle

The rabid beverage battles of the 1980s pitted white people's historic affinity for engorging themselves blind versus their incredible vanity and love of chemical additives.

Enter Crystal Gayle — a powdered drink mix that touted a robust taste without all of the pesky calories often associated with taste. And honestly, what do white people know about taste?

To enjoy a tall glass of delicious? five calorie Crystal Gayle, all white people had to do was empty the contents of 1 packet into a large plastic or glass pitcher, add 2 quarts (8 cups) of cold water, stir to dissolve, and finally serve over ice.

White people believed in Crystal Gayle because they believed in their white selves.  Leni Riefenstahl herself couldn't have possibly directed a better artifact of white propaganda than the following commercial:

You would never catch non-white people engaging in such conceited frivolity.

Crystal Gayle is still available in most white-populated areas in a variety of "flavors."

No comments: