Saturday, April 5, 2008

4. Oversized Wall Utensils

White people often share the same nightmare ... a nightmare in which a hungry giant enters their home and, instead of eating the white people, prefers to dine with them. However, when they fail to have utensils large enough for a giant to use, the giant turns on them, and slaughters them wholesale.

A lot of white people in the 1970s were deathly afraid that particular nightmare would come to fruition, and took steps to remedy their giant-sized utensil shortage by having Amish craftsmen fashion enormous forks and spoons out of wood, which they conveniently hung on their kitchen walls — within reach — should a giant appear at the end of their driveway.

Of course, that story above is complete and utter bullshit. White people really aren't that gullible. Or are they? Some ingenious entrepreneur realized that white people enjoy decorating their homes in the most abominable fashion, and as a result, was able to con a lot of white people (even my parents) into adorning their walls with these gargantuan atrocities. Kudos to you, Mastermind, for you made white people look foolish once again. No small task indeed.

Besides their incredible aesthetic value, the utensils served other, more practical needs in a pinch. Looking to bail some random hay? How about cleaning out the pool or shoveling some snow? White families of the seventies had to look no further than their own kitchen walls for a solution.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Thanks for the laughs, we're out here on this wave surfing the net, my sidekick and I. She called me on the oversized utensil which I display proudly on the wall behind the stove.