18. Thoroughbred Horse Racing

Big hats. Mint Juleps. Giant horse cocks and wagering. White people really knew how to have fun!

That all changed last Saturday at the Kentucky Derby when the Philly Eight Belles broke both her ankles running the race and had to be euthanized right out there on the track.

White people I know were furious.

“Why do we continue to subject these poor creatures to this cruel and unusual punishment!” they shouted.

“Running of any kind should be banned!” they explained from their semi-reclined positions, while rubbing their bellies, waving remote controls and asking similarly positioned friends to please, "pass the chips."

As far as white people were concerned, as soon as those large white (of course) trucks surrounded Eight Belles on the infield, thoroughbred horse racing was put out of its centuries-old misery as well.

Until the first Saturday in May 2009, that is. Then it’s game on, bitches, and down the stretch they come!

17. Minibikes

Not content with regular-sized motorcycles or mere bicycles, white persons and their offspring joined in the minibike craze that started in the late 1960s.

Minbikes were first popularly used as "pit bikes", for drag racers to scoot around in the pits during races in the late 1950s. They were very useful for this purpose, as they could maneuver very well in the tight pit roads, fit in about the same space as a small bicycle in a trailer or pickup, and they were faster than most previous forms of transportation.

So desperate to endanger the lives of their children, white people crafted homemade minibikes out of PVC tubing, two by fours and any Briggs and Stratton engine they could get their white, white hands on.

Soon, manufacturers of other white people time-waster/death machines like the snowmobile and dune buggy joined the minibike fray, and the revolution was on — until they realized what a potential liability they had on their hands. Over 34,000 kids under the age of 14 perished on minibikes in 1977 alone.*

Minibikes are no longer the go-to toy for households looking to endanger their loved ones. ATVs have replaced the minibike as the population-control mechanism of choice for rural whites.

However, a small part of the white populace still enjoy riding around haphazardly on what are now termed 'pocket bikes' or mini-motos.

* - made up statistic to give post more content.

16. Having more time

White people used to like having more time to devote to their sundry interests. Now there's no time for any of that. No awesome blog entries. No golf. No masturbating. Nothing. There’s just no time.

It’s their own damn fault, knocking-up other white people just to keep the numbers in their favor. Now, white people have to go out there and get a job to support their family. And that job can really get in the way sometimes.

Frankly, it pisses some white people off ...

15. The Station Wagon

It’s hard to imagine the white family of yesteryear pouring out of anything but a station wagon with full wood-grain siding, or getting your first hand-job on a trip to New Hampshire anyplace but in the aft, rear-facing seat of your girlfriend’s father’s station wagon.

Ah, the memories. And isn’t that what the station wagon was for? Wasn’t it just an oblong, four wheeled, wood-paneled time capsule for storing precious childhood memories like the annual trip to the shore, hauling that dead body wrapped in tarpaulin or your first solo drive to the corner store?

You bet your 1978 Plymouth Volare it was.

Alas, long about 1984, the spacious Renault Espace Minivan made its world debut. Station wagons were no match for its awesome styling and sheer people-moving capabilities. Its interior-room alone was enough to cripple the entire station wagon industry.

Today, only one station wagon remains—the ultra-snobberific white person-special known as the Volvo XC70.

14. The Dickey

Who once wore part of a shirt? White people, that's who.

For rather murky reasons, white people were unable to bring themselves to wear a complete turtleneck under their sweaters, and thus was born ... the Dickey.

The Dickey (or Dicky, for short) is an article of clothing made to look like the front or collar of a shirt, blouse, vest, etc., worn as a separate piece under another garment, as a jacket or dress.

The Dickey is yet another example of why white people cannot be trusted with fashion.

The following is from a website that currently still sells Dickeys in the awkward hope that white people are still living in the past (Which many are ... all you need to do is visit Youngstown, Ohio to verify this fact.)

"No matter how you spell it, dickeys are practical and comfortable in the summer and winter. They keep a cold draft from blowing down your neck, and they keep that itchy sweater away from your face. If you suddenly find yourself too warm, they are easy to remove. Use them to accent your skin tones."

Now, only a white person could possibly write such utter nonsense. And only white people can even appreciate what those words in that particular order mean. You show this to an Asian person, and prepare to be punched in the throat, my friend.

Accent my skin tones? We're white people for Christmas sakes, we have no skin tones!

The Dickey, for better or worse, has been immortalized by Randy Quaid in the white-person film extravaganza Christmas Vacation, which maintains the curious distinction of featuring the most white people in one scene for longer than four-and-a-half minutes. Go ahead and Google that while you contemplate the abomination that was once the Dickey.
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13. Long Beards

White men used to love elongated facial hair.

Historically, long beards were worn to differentiate men from the hideous white women they were forced to mate with. Without beards, it would have been nearly impossible to tell men from women, and the resulting sexual ambiguities would have destroyed Anglo-Saxon society as we knew it.

The beard was also a signifier of one's manhood. And if anyone in history needed assistance in re-affirming their 'man-ness', it was the pathetic white male. Sadly, Manifest Destiny alone was not enough.

Beards really came into vogue in White America in the mid 1860s, and lasted until the departure of Benjamin Harrison from the White House. It seems a photograph or daguerreotype from the era wasn't complete without some dude in a long, scruffy beard, trying to look badass while his homely wife scowled next to him.

It didn't matter if you were a doctor, lawyer, politician or pimp ... if you were a white male during these times, you had a long beard — and head lice.

In the 1960s. Hippies tried to re-popularize the long, unkempt, woolly beard. But like everything else Hippies attempt to do, their efforts had the complete opposite effect. The beards (and the Hippies) were largely rejected by white society. When Richard Nixon famously referred to 'the silent majority', he was actually referring to the 'silent, uptight, clean-shaven majority.'

Sadly, outside of ZZTop and the Iron & Wine guy, long beards are not really in fashion for white people today. Why? Presumably the same reason why white men now regularly keep their pubic hair neatly manicured and drink Iced Lattes.

12. Vigilantism

Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk.

You'd be hardpressed to find a backyard in America that doesn't have the decaying remains of someone who's wronged a white person rolled up inside an old rug, or cut to pieces inside a rusty drum buried somewhere on their property.

What were they supposed to do? Let the courts handle it? Pshaw.

The father of Vigilantism is the actor, Charles Bronson. In the Deathwish Pentology he proved you can't go around raping someone's family and get away with it. You can't sell someone tainted smack or shit on someone's lawn, either. Sometimes, you need to exact your own form of justice, even if you are just an architect.

Do you believe in Jesus? Good. Because you're going to meet Him. BANG!

In 1984, some "people" approached Bernard Goetz (pictured) on the subway. Instead of forking over whatever the thugs demanded. Probably directions to Grand Central Station or something. He shot all four and then fled the scene. White people loved him for it. Still, the state of New York just had to press charges. Criminal Possession of a Weapon in the Third Degree, six months in jail, one year psychiatric treatment, five years' probation, 200 hours community service, and a fine of $5,000. They all survived. I don't know what the big deal was!

Anyway, some white people will be happy to know Vigilantism is making a comeback, as the success of television shows like Dexter prove far "beyond a reasonable doubt." So watch out, bitches.

No, I don't have the time. BANG! No, you can't date my daughter. Ever. BANG! Can you tell me--BANG! Whoops. Sorry.

11. Oleo

White people used to like Oleo, for sure, but half of those who liked it didn't really know what the hell it was. Many still don't ... this white person included.

Was it margarine? Was it some other kind of butter substitute? Was it a spreadable Italian oil? Who cared? You could put it on stuff and then eat it.

At first, white people were like, "Mmmm ... Oleo, it's so darned delicious ... I think." But then other white people were like, "What the hell is it made out of? I can't taste anything? Is is butter or is it liquid plastic or something?"

Eventually, scientists stepped in to have the various forms of what was called Oleo analyzed. Trans fatty acids. Hydrogenated oils. Blah blah blah. Etcetera etcetera. Bottom line is they found Oleo could kill people--white people included--and so Oleo quickly fell out of favor.

Side note: Oleo is often confused with Olean, which is a kind of miracle compound that produces oily discharges.

10. Macramé

What is it with white people and arts and crafts?

Macramé or macrame is a form of textile-making using knotting rather than weaving or knitting. Its primary knots are the square knot and forms of hitching (full hitch and double half hitches). It's origins date back to 13th-century Arab weavers who knotted the excess thread on their looms into decorative fringes and patterns.

Of course, it would take whites of the 1970s to prostitute the ethnic tradition, transforming it from a middle-Eastern art form into a coma-inducing timewaster for desperate housewives too afraid to indulge in swinging or pill-popping to enliven their joyless existences.

Whites, always keen on misappropriating the art of others, even passed macramé on to their children.

I should know, for I made a macramé owl for my mother in the 4th grade ... and I had to stay after school to do it. The hideous creation hung in our kitchen for several years and hopefully now decorates the 14th layer of the local landfill.

There's a good reason there's no African-American Martha Stewart. That shit is a waste of time.

9. Andrew Dice Clay

I’m ashamed by some of the things white people used to like. Slavery. Those retarded Buttafuoco parachute pants douchebags would wear at the gym. Andrew Dice Clay. Almost makes me want to renounce my whitezenship.

Almost. I'm no fool.

I am having trouble coming up with reasons why we liked the “Dice man,” however. Was it his profane and shocking nursery rhyme-altering style? The way he lit those awesome cigarettes? His less-than-timely Travolta imitation? The fact that he had his tongue up that chick’s ass?

It’s all a complete mystery ... and yet, 13 film credits. Ponder that for a while, you, still tapping away at that screenplay.

Oh, wait. I get it know. It was right there in front of my face the whole time. It’s the half Elvis, half Jew-thing. Put that in a leather jacket and BANG--charming and irresistible! Makes perfect sense now ... Little Boy Blue; he needed the money. Of course.